I've been thinking a lot about how to help my children avoid having low self-esteem, this being something I have struggled with all my life. I was trying to figure out the deepest psychological roots of this matter, and how to 'shape their minds' accordingly. I was trying to determine how to break the pattern, when I don't seem to be solidly aware of what the pattern is.
Then it occurred to me, it's probably very simple. We are what we say we are. We manifest our own destiny by the way we think, and one of the truths I've learned is; we can change our thinking, with effort and practice. So, this weekend, after a great swimming lesson and a fabulous round of gymnastics, I taught my kids to shout "I'm Awesome!". Why? Because they are. It seems a little silly, but over the past two days, at every possible occasion, I've encouraged them to say it. With conviction. So far, it just makes them giggle.
But, I figure, there will be enough people in the world who will try and tell them differently, so it seems only fair that they learn it's ok to blow your own horn. And to act accordingly.
Maybe I'll start shouting it too.
I'M AWESOME!!!!!!! (given some time and practice, I may start to believe it!)
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Breaking my heart
Today I decided it was time to confront Jacob's current state of mind. He has been pleading a sore tummy for days, and has actually manifested some physical signs of illness, ie. many trips to the bathroom every day.
After some suspicious behaviour and a few comments from him about school, we decided this must be an anxiety based condition. Since mid-July, when we started talking about school approaching, he has been less and less interested in going to friends houses or going anywhere without me. Things have been getting worse and worse with his reluctance to be without me, or to branch out at all.
Today we forced him to go out, go to swimming class and go to see his old friends. The trip to swimming class started badly, with many tears and protests and lots of complaints about being 'too sick' to go in the pool. We took each step one at a time, in the locker room, into the swimsuit, feet in the pool....then finally, in. And he loved it, as he always does.
After swimming, we stared prepping for the trip to a friend's house. He immediately started complaining about being too sick to go. I told him he was going regardless, and if he was too sick after we had been there for 15 minutes, then we could go. Right up to the time we walked in the door, he was 'too sick' to go and had to be repeatedly assured I was staying the whole time. 30 seconds after we walked in, he was playing and totally forgot to be sick. Still had 3 trips to the bathroom while we were there, but said he finally didn't feel sick anymore!
Once we were home, he started to complain about being sick again. I've been trying to figure out for days how to reach him and find out what's the cause of all this. Finally, after supper, out of the blue, he says "It's not fine at Crane."
So I, with a little prayer skyward for the right words, asked why.
He crawled onto my lap and buried his head in the arm of the couch. He said he didn't want to tell me why. I suggested a number of options; is it scary? Is there a mean kid? Is the teacher not nice? All were met with silence.
I asked if it was because he missed his friends, and he lifted his head an inch. I asked if he was lonely. He looked up at me with teary eyes and said yes. Oh, my poor shattered heart. How do I fix that?????
I offered all the platitudes I had for a sad little 5 year old, and promised things would get better after he got to know a couple of kids. And in my head, I know they will be better. He is a popular kid at daycare, and I know he will make friends as soon as he's comfortable enough to do so. But until then, every day I will send him off in the morning with a little piece of my heart coming loose.
And now I question every decision I made that has brought us to this point. Should I have pushed so hard to get him into the French Immersion school, when his best friends went off to English schools and left him alone? Should I have kept him at his current daycare or tried to get into the daycare in the school, so he could be developing relationships with classmates more quickly? Can I quit my job and stay with him 24/7? Can I build a little bubble that bad feelings cannot penetrate and keep him in it forever?
Oy. I'm so sad for my little sweet baby boy, who is being forced into a world he doesn't yet want to be a part of. Will he ever be excited to face a new challenge? Will I ever be ready to let him?
**update**
Today was the worst its ever been. Jacob refused to stay at daycare and had to be held there while Pete left. When it was time to get on the bus, he sat down in the hallway and started bawling. The teachers couldn't get him on the bus no matter what they tried, and I ended up leaving work and going back to the daycare to drive him to school. Let's just say that 45 minutes of my life is best left on the floor of the kindergarten classroom where it took place. My red, swollen eyes are a testament to my day today.
I got all kinds of phone calls from the teacher and the daycare to reassure me, and finally a call from the daycare director. Apparently Jacob had a great time at school and was happy as a clam when he got back to daycare. They did discover, after much prodding, that the issue is with the bus ride to school, not school itself. Jacob has been getting teased on the bus with some regularity, apparently.
(insert insane feelings of rage here).
I'm told there was a reckoning when the older kids got back to daycare today, the teacher tore into them all, and threatened them with suspension from the bus. Her anger was almost enough to put a dent in my own feelings of rage. One of the students drew a picture of her, depicting her feelings of anger. They made all her hair stand straight up off her head. It was quite comical, and a pretty accurate depiction of how I felt!
On the ride home Jacob admitted that all his bad feelings about school are due to the bus ride. He has given me so many different reasons now, I can't be sure this is the only one, but it does seem to be a big one. He did say he wants to go to school, but he wants me to drive him there.
I've decided to stake out the parking lot tomorrow, and watch him get on the bus, so I can be there to encourage (or push, as needed) him onto the bus.
Damn, life is hard!~
Still, a blessing in it all? I have somehow found a mama bear daycare teacher who loves my kids, a teacher who is willing to go the extra mile, a daycare director who is not afraid to stand up to parents and kids alike, and a husband who knows how to make me smile through the tears. I am blessed not to be alone in this.
After some suspicious behaviour and a few comments from him about school, we decided this must be an anxiety based condition. Since mid-July, when we started talking about school approaching, he has been less and less interested in going to friends houses or going anywhere without me. Things have been getting worse and worse with his reluctance to be without me, or to branch out at all.
Today we forced him to go out, go to swimming class and go to see his old friends. The trip to swimming class started badly, with many tears and protests and lots of complaints about being 'too sick' to go in the pool. We took each step one at a time, in the locker room, into the swimsuit, feet in the pool....then finally, in. And he loved it, as he always does.
After swimming, we stared prepping for the trip to a friend's house. He immediately started complaining about being too sick to go. I told him he was going regardless, and if he was too sick after we had been there for 15 minutes, then we could go. Right up to the time we walked in the door, he was 'too sick' to go and had to be repeatedly assured I was staying the whole time. 30 seconds after we walked in, he was playing and totally forgot to be sick. Still had 3 trips to the bathroom while we were there, but said he finally didn't feel sick anymore!
Once we were home, he started to complain about being sick again. I've been trying to figure out for days how to reach him and find out what's the cause of all this. Finally, after supper, out of the blue, he says "It's not fine at Crane."
So I, with a little prayer skyward for the right words, asked why.
He crawled onto my lap and buried his head in the arm of the couch. He said he didn't want to tell me why. I suggested a number of options; is it scary? Is there a mean kid? Is the teacher not nice? All were met with silence.
I asked if it was because he missed his friends, and he lifted his head an inch. I asked if he was lonely. He looked up at me with teary eyes and said yes. Oh, my poor shattered heart. How do I fix that?????
I offered all the platitudes I had for a sad little 5 year old, and promised things would get better after he got to know a couple of kids. And in my head, I know they will be better. He is a popular kid at daycare, and I know he will make friends as soon as he's comfortable enough to do so. But until then, every day I will send him off in the morning with a little piece of my heart coming loose.
And now I question every decision I made that has brought us to this point. Should I have pushed so hard to get him into the French Immersion school, when his best friends went off to English schools and left him alone? Should I have kept him at his current daycare or tried to get into the daycare in the school, so he could be developing relationships with classmates more quickly? Can I quit my job and stay with him 24/7? Can I build a little bubble that bad feelings cannot penetrate and keep him in it forever?
Oy. I'm so sad for my little sweet baby boy, who is being forced into a world he doesn't yet want to be a part of. Will he ever be excited to face a new challenge? Will I ever be ready to let him?
**update**
Today was the worst its ever been. Jacob refused to stay at daycare and had to be held there while Pete left. When it was time to get on the bus, he sat down in the hallway and started bawling. The teachers couldn't get him on the bus no matter what they tried, and I ended up leaving work and going back to the daycare to drive him to school. Let's just say that 45 minutes of my life is best left on the floor of the kindergarten classroom where it took place. My red, swollen eyes are a testament to my day today.
I got all kinds of phone calls from the teacher and the daycare to reassure me, and finally a call from the daycare director. Apparently Jacob had a great time at school and was happy as a clam when he got back to daycare. They did discover, after much prodding, that the issue is with the bus ride to school, not school itself. Jacob has been getting teased on the bus with some regularity, apparently.
(insert insane feelings of rage here).
I'm told there was a reckoning when the older kids got back to daycare today, the teacher tore into them all, and threatened them with suspension from the bus. Her anger was almost enough to put a dent in my own feelings of rage. One of the students drew a picture of her, depicting her feelings of anger. They made all her hair stand straight up off her head. It was quite comical, and a pretty accurate depiction of how I felt!
On the ride home Jacob admitted that all his bad feelings about school are due to the bus ride. He has given me so many different reasons now, I can't be sure this is the only one, but it does seem to be a big one. He did say he wants to go to school, but he wants me to drive him there.
I've decided to stake out the parking lot tomorrow, and watch him get on the bus, so I can be there to encourage (or push, as needed) him onto the bus.
Damn, life is hard!~
Still, a blessing in it all? I have somehow found a mama bear daycare teacher who loves my kids, a teacher who is willing to go the extra mile, a daycare director who is not afraid to stand up to parents and kids alike, and a husband who knows how to make me smile through the tears. I am blessed not to be alone in this.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Security Blanket
Jacob is a pretty shy kid, on initial contact. If you've read the story of his first days of kindergarten, you kinda get the picture.
Well, as part of this big transition year, his group at daycare has also changed. He went from a gang of 6 kids, (at least 4 or them boys), to a group of 4, with him being the only boy. His best friend is in the 'school agers' group, so is away at school all day, and in a different room for the after school hours, so play together is limited, and the development of his relationships is changing, wherein Ryan is becoming friends with his peers, not clinging to his slightly younger friend...
(Insert Mommy guilt over having baby in January not December, as if there is anything I can do about this now!)
For awhile now, Jacob has been telling me on a daily basis about his tummy being sore. He complains of it every morning when it is time to go to daycare. Yesterday, he actually did have a sore tummy, and I had to go pick him up at school because we had sent him regardless of his complaint, assuming it was the same as always.
We are pretty convinced this is an anxiety driven state of affairs, and I am struggling with how to get him over this hurdle.
Yesterday was a great day for us, he and I spent his 'sick day' watching movies, playing board games and hanging out. At one point in the afternoon he said "Mommy, I never get to play with you, you're always going out and I have to play with Daddy instead."
Ouch! Now, admittedly, September has been a very busy month for us, with school and all our activities starting it has been pretty hectic and I have been out a lot.
And while my heart tells me to quit everything I'm involved in and spend every second I have with this precious child, my head tells me that if Jacob is ever going to function in the world, he's going to have to leave Mommy behind. So how do you find a balance that nurtures him, feeds his need to be loved and teaches him independence at the same time?
Nobody warned me that parenthood would be such an emotional roller coaster!
Well, as part of this big transition year, his group at daycare has also changed. He went from a gang of 6 kids, (at least 4 or them boys), to a group of 4, with him being the only boy. His best friend is in the 'school agers' group, so is away at school all day, and in a different room for the after school hours, so play together is limited, and the development of his relationships is changing, wherein Ryan is becoming friends with his peers, not clinging to his slightly younger friend...
(Insert Mommy guilt over having baby in January not December, as if there is anything I can do about this now!)
For awhile now, Jacob has been telling me on a daily basis about his tummy being sore. He complains of it every morning when it is time to go to daycare. Yesterday, he actually did have a sore tummy, and I had to go pick him up at school because we had sent him regardless of his complaint, assuming it was the same as always.
We are pretty convinced this is an anxiety driven state of affairs, and I am struggling with how to get him over this hurdle.
Yesterday was a great day for us, he and I spent his 'sick day' watching movies, playing board games and hanging out. At one point in the afternoon he said "Mommy, I never get to play with you, you're always going out and I have to play with Daddy instead."
Ouch! Now, admittedly, September has been a very busy month for us, with school and all our activities starting it has been pretty hectic and I have been out a lot.
And while my heart tells me to quit everything I'm involved in and spend every second I have with this precious child, my head tells me that if Jacob is ever going to function in the world, he's going to have to leave Mommy behind. So how do you find a balance that nurtures him, feeds his need to be loved and teaches him independence at the same time?
Nobody warned me that parenthood would be such an emotional roller coaster!
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