"We're Awesome!!!!!"

I've been thinking a lot about how to help my children avoid having low self-esteem, this being something I have struggled with all my life. I was trying to figure out the deepest psychological roots of this matter, and how to 'shape their minds' accordingly. I was trying to determine how to break the pattern, when I don't seem to be solidly aware of what the pattern is.
Then it occurred to me, it's probably very simple. We are what we say we are. We manifest our own destiny by the way we think, and one of the truths I've learned is; we can change our thinking, with effort and practice. So, this weekend, after a great swimming lesson and a fabulous round of gymnastics, I taught my kids to shout "I'm Awesome!". Why? Because they are. It seems a little silly, but over the past two days, at every possible occasion, I've encouraged them to say it. With conviction. So far, it just makes them giggle.
But, I figure, there will be enough people in the world who will try and tell them differently, so it seems only fair that they learn it's ok to blow your own horn. And to act accordingly.
Maybe I'll start shouting it too.
I'M AWESOME!!!!!!! (given some time and practice, I may start to believe it!)

Breaking my heart

Today I decided it was time to confront Jacob's current state of mind. He has been pleading a sore tummy for days, and has actually manifested some physical signs of illness, ie. many trips to the bathroom every day.
After some suspicious behaviour and a few comments from him about school, we decided this must be an anxiety based condition. Since mid-July, when we started talking about school approaching, he has been less and less interested in going to friends houses or going anywhere without me. Things have been getting worse and worse with his reluctance to be without me, or to branch out at all.
Today we forced him to go out, go to swimming class and go to see his old friends. The trip to swimming class started badly, with many tears and protests and lots of complaints about being 'too sick' to go in the pool. We took each step one at a time, in the locker room, into the swimsuit, feet in the pool....then finally, in. And he loved it, as he always does.
After swimming, we stared prepping for the trip to a friend's house. He immediately started complaining about being too sick to go. I told him he was going regardless, and if he was too sick after we had been there for 15 minutes, then we could go. Right up to the time we walked in the door, he was 'too sick' to go and had to be repeatedly assured I was staying the whole time. 30 seconds after we walked in, he was playing and totally forgot to be sick. Still had 3 trips to the bathroom while we were there, but said he finally didn't feel sick anymore!
Once we were home, he started to complain about being sick again. I've been trying to figure out for days how to reach him and find out what's the cause of all this. Finally, after supper, out of the blue, he says "It's not fine at Crane."
So I, with a little prayer skyward for the right words, asked why.
He crawled onto my lap and buried his head in the arm of the couch. He said he didn't want to tell me why. I suggested a number of options; is it scary? Is there a mean kid? Is the teacher not nice? All were met with silence.
I asked if it was because he missed his friends, and he lifted his head an inch. I asked if he was lonely. He looked up at me with teary eyes and said yes. Oh, my poor shattered heart. How do I fix that?????
I offered all the platitudes I had for a sad little 5 year old, and promised things would get better after he got to know a couple of kids. And in my head, I know they will be better. He is a popular kid at daycare, and I know he will make friends as soon as he's comfortable enough to do so. But until then, every day I will send him off in the morning with a little piece of my heart coming loose.
And now I question every decision I made that has brought us to this point. Should I have pushed so hard to get him into the French Immersion school, when his best friends went off to English schools and left him alone? Should I have kept him at his current daycare or tried to get into the daycare in the school, so he could be developing relationships with classmates more quickly? Can I quit my job and stay with him 24/7? Can I build a little bubble that bad feelings cannot penetrate and keep him in it forever?
Oy. I'm so sad for my little sweet baby boy, who is being forced into a world he doesn't yet want to be a part of. Will he ever be excited to face a new challenge? Will I ever be ready to let him?

**update**
Today was the worst its ever been. Jacob refused to stay at daycare and had to be held there while Pete left. When it was time to get on the bus, he sat down in the hallway and started bawling. The teachers couldn't get him on the bus no matter what they tried, and I ended up leaving work and going back to the daycare to drive him to school. Let's just say that 45 minutes of my life is best left on the floor of the kindergarten classroom where it took place. My red, swollen eyes are a testament to my day today.
I got all kinds of phone calls from the teacher and the daycare to reassure me, and finally a call from the daycare director. Apparently Jacob had a great time at school and was happy as a clam when he got back to daycare. They did discover, after much prodding, that the issue is with the bus ride to school, not school itself. Jacob has been getting teased on the bus with some regularity, apparently.
(insert insane feelings of rage here).
I'm told there was a reckoning when the older kids got back to daycare today, the teacher tore into them all, and threatened them with suspension from the bus. Her anger was almost enough to put a dent in my own feelings of rage. One of the students drew a picture of her, depicting her feelings of anger. They made all her hair stand straight up off her head. It was quite comical, and a pretty accurate depiction of how I felt!
On the ride home Jacob admitted that all his bad feelings about school are due to the bus ride. He has given me so many different reasons now, I can't be sure this is the only one, but it does seem to be a big one. He did say he wants to go to school, but he wants me to drive him there.
I've decided to stake out the parking lot tomorrow, and watch him get on the bus, so I can be there to encourage (or push, as needed) him onto the bus.
Damn, life is hard!~
Still, a blessing in it all? I have somehow found a mama bear daycare teacher who loves my kids, a teacher who is willing to go the extra mile, a daycare director who is not afraid to stand up to parents and kids alike, and a husband who knows how to make me smile through the tears. I am blessed not to be alone in this.

Security Blanket

Jacob is a pretty shy kid, on initial contact. If you've read the story of his first days of kindergarten, you kinda get the picture.
Well, as part of this big transition year, his group at daycare has also changed. He went from a gang of 6 kids, (at least 4 or them boys), to a group of 4, with him being the only boy. His best friend is in the 'school agers' group, so is away at school all day, and in a different room for the after school hours, so play together is limited, and the development of his relationships is changing, wherein Ryan is becoming friends with his peers, not clinging to his slightly younger friend...
(Insert Mommy guilt over having baby in January not December, as if there is anything I can do about this now!)
For awhile now, Jacob has been telling me on a daily basis about his tummy being sore. He complains of it every morning when it is time to go to daycare. Yesterday, he actually did have a sore tummy, and I had to go pick him up at school because we had sent him regardless of his complaint, assuming it was the same as always.
We are pretty convinced this is an anxiety driven state of affairs, and I am struggling with how to get him over this hurdle.
Yesterday was a great day for us, he and I spent his 'sick day' watching movies, playing board games and hanging out. At one point in the afternoon he said "Mommy, I never get to play with you, you're always going out and I have to play with Daddy instead."
Ouch! Now, admittedly, September has been a very busy month for us, with school and all our activities starting it has been pretty hectic and I have been out a lot.

And while my heart tells me to quit everything I'm involved in and spend every second I have with this precious child, my head tells me that if Jacob is ever going to function in the world, he's going to have to leave Mommy behind. So how do you find a balance that nurtures him, feeds his need to be loved and teaches him independence at the same time?
Nobody warned me that parenthood would be such an emotional roller coaster!

Selfishness

I prefer to think of myself as a pretty giving person, but sometimes I wonder where my motivation comes from. I admit to getting a 'feel good' result from helping people, one of my favorite jobs ever was working behind the customer service counter at the mall, because all I did was help people, in a brief 30 second increment at a time. I have to wonder if the 'feel good' part of giving is the only reason I give.
After 11 years of marriage, does the giving fall by the wayside? Am I too wrapped up in the kids and in my own 'stuff', to notice when my husband needs a little more attention?
I still remember a time when I was about 12 or 13 years old, my Dad walked in the front door after work and I was headed right for him. My Mom stopped me and told me he wasn't in a very good mood, that he had had a bad day. I asked her how she knew. She said she could tell by looking at him. I thought she must be some kind of genius!
As I grew up I realized she's not some freak of nature, it's easy to see emotions in someone if you're looking at them and listening to them. Why then, do I so rarely know when my husband isn't happy? Is he just better than most at hiding his emotions? I think he is exceptional at this. But..am I also too busy or self-absorbed to notice?
How do I practice awareness and listening skills? It is a promise I make to myself on a regular basis, to listen more and talk less, to be a different kind of person so as to increase intimacy in all my relationships. Maybe I need to learn to like who I am rather than trying to become someone else....
I think I have much learning to do. So, my blessing is a patient husband and the ability to continue to learn and grow every day :)

Gymnastics, yipee!

It was our thinking that Grace might enjoy an activity which channeled all that energy that keeps her hopping, skipping, singing and jumping all day long. We tried ballet, which was fun, but not busy enough. We tried skating, which was ok as long as a parent was there...swimming has been a success so far, but she needs more....
So, we started gymnastics this week. From first glance, it would appear we have found a new home for Grace.
2 minutes in and she was in the lead for every new activity. I think I may have gotten one quick wave as they ran by, otherwise, she was in her element! Sommersaults and back bridges, jumping in the foam pit and balancing on the beam, my fearless Grace was all over it. Watching the competitive boys, aged about 15, she decided she too would swing from the parallel bars one day soon.
What a great experience for her! Can't wait for next week to see if it keeps her interest, we've already signed up for the next session!
Go, Gracie Go!

First tooth

He did it! Finally, after a month of wiggling, inspecting in the mirror, pushing with the tongue and poking at every opportunity; the first tooth is out. It fell out onto the supper table after a final 11 hour day of dangling by a thread. It is a remarkable occasion for Jacob, and for us as parents. Every day I get a new reminder of how quickly he is growing up.
We advised the tooth fairy of our occasion, (this done by shouting out the words "My Tooth Fell Out!"), and waited to see what would happen.
This morning, to joyful shouts, we found out that the tooth fairy who visited leaves $5.00 for the first tooth, and that her wings were blue!
The trick I borrowed from a friend was a huge hit. Instead of hiding the tooth under his pillow, we put it in a glass of water, and when the fairy came to get the tooth, her wings touched the water and turned it the colour of her wings! What an exciting experience.
Jacob is already wondering what colour the next fairy's wings will be, (is there more than one? I guess so!) If Santa can have helpers, (in the mall), then it would stand to reason....
Off Jacob went this morning to show off his new grin, and back to school tomorrow to show 'madame'.
After a month of wiggly tooth anxiety, and my concern about missing a big life event between school, daycare and home time, I actually got to share the WHOLE DAY of the official 'falling out' experience. Laughing, teasing and giggling all the way through. I am blessed.

Miss Gracie, The Wonderful

I have this adorable, fireball of a 4 year old, whose tenacity and vigour has only grown over the few short years of her life. She challenges my husband and I to face our limits, and figure out how to push them back. She teaches me every day about being loving and caring and totally devoted. She clings to me like a baby monkey; arms and legs wrapped around me with no room for air between us. Her hugs are so tight they can be almost painful.
As I write this I get a feeling of love that surges through me, there is no description my common-place brain can come up with to describe the totality of the adoration I have for her.
Grace, full of adventure, life and chaos.
I worry for her. How do I teach her to reign herself in, not to be so forward, so outspoken so brash and bossy. Should I teach her that?
My biggest frustration as an adult is my inability to confront an uncomfortable situation, so much so that I often wonder if I even know what my values are because I'm so busy conforming to everyone else's. I don't want her to be like that, I want her to have an opinion, speak her mind. Yet...I also want her to care and love and be kind and generous of spirit, which she already is in so many ways. Where do you find a balance?
I think my little miss Grace will teach me many things in my lifetime. Perhaps abandoning conformity will be the hardest lesson.
I can't wait for her to start school. She loves to learn and is so smart and quick. I pray she has a teacher who is tolerant and patient with a little girl who has a lot of difficulty sitting still...