As you are aware, I am a working mom with two very busy kids. I love my life, most of the time. What I miss, is quiet time. I can't recall the last time I didn't have something to do or somewhere to be or someone who needed something from me. Most of the time, that's ok, I like it that way! I love being needed and important in my children's lives, and being a part of my community is important to me too.
That being said...
On December 20th my friend Melissa died. She was a beloved friend who had a very quick battle with cancer. I mean, we were at work together in October! I took her out for dinner on November 25th! Yes, she was ailing, but all signs were pointing to recovery at that time. 3 weeks later she was in palliative care, then suddenly she's gone from the planet forever.
I walked into the care facility and asked to see her, only to be told she had died an hour before. I couldn't even breathe.
And here I sit, at work, in the office I shared with her every day, and the grief still smacks me in the face at any given moment.
So my question is: Who takes time to be sad?
The day she died I sat in my car on the side of the road and screamed and cried for 10 minutes. Then I got on with one of the more hectic days on our schedule, dragging kids to practices and Christmas parties, standing at outdoor rinks and acting as if the world wasn't completely upside down.
I took the next day off and cried all day, but still continued to 'do stuff'.
Then Christmas and all it's chaos arrived, and we were off to hockey and ringette tournaments all over town and then everyone just went back to doing what they do.
Is that grieving? Is that what the process is? Just ignore the pain and eventually you just keep on going?
I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope. My neck and shoulder muscles twang like guitar strings, and I cry at the drop of a hat.
Am I supposed to feel like this? Isn't there something I should DO??? If so, WHAT???
I am lost, like that sad little boy in "Where the Wild Things Are", when his boat floats away. I have no paddle, no compass, no life preserver.
Intellectually I get that at some point I won't feel this lost or stressed out or strung out. My mind recognizes that this is not the first time I have lost someone I love, nor will it be the last, and what choice is there but to keep trudging on? But my soul hurts. My brain is detached from responsibilities and I am just going through the motions. I have no idea what my next task is at work, and am unable to make myself care.
I think I need time to be sad, I just don't know how. How to find the time or how to be sad. Stillness is an imaginary thing to me, and I think the healing lies in the stillness.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Time flies...
I can't believe I haven't posted since September. Well, it's 4:20am, and I've been up since 2am for no good reason, so what better time to update all our activities and adventures!
The fall of 2010 will be dubbed, at least in my head, 'the year hockey took over our lives'. Jacob has officially left the skills and drills of hockey practice and made his way into the competition of actual games. He plays 3 times a week (unless there is a tournament, then it's up to 5 times), and can't get enough of it! He's improved dramatically and is fiercly competitive with his best friend and teammate, Matthew.
Grace continues to flit from here to there, with gymnastics, art classes, swimming and perhaps a return to piano in her future. Her continued love of arts and crafts is blossoming with some instruction and her vivid imagination, and I keep being caught off guard by the quality of her drawing. She really is quite skilled, if I do say so myself.
I'm still loving my job, managing the training department, although there is more work than I will ever get done in my lifetime! For a task-oriented person like me, I couldn't ask for a longer checklist :)
I'm investigating psychologists right now. Think it's time to address my mental wellness, and figure out how to turn my motivation and the ideas in my head into a reality for my life. Let the search begin! My eldest sister has had such success with her coach out in Ontario, I'm inspired to make this happen for me too.
I'll keep you posted! (eventually...) ;)
The fall of 2010 will be dubbed, at least in my head, 'the year hockey took over our lives'. Jacob has officially left the skills and drills of hockey practice and made his way into the competition of actual games. He plays 3 times a week (unless there is a tournament, then it's up to 5 times), and can't get enough of it! He's improved dramatically and is fiercly competitive with his best friend and teammate, Matthew.
Grace continues to flit from here to there, with gymnastics, art classes, swimming and perhaps a return to piano in her future. Her continued love of arts and crafts is blossoming with some instruction and her vivid imagination, and I keep being caught off guard by the quality of her drawing. She really is quite skilled, if I do say so myself.
I'm still loving my job, managing the training department, although there is more work than I will ever get done in my lifetime! For a task-oriented person like me, I couldn't ask for a longer checklist :)
I'm investigating psychologists right now. Think it's time to address my mental wellness, and figure out how to turn my motivation and the ideas in my head into a reality for my life. Let the search begin! My eldest sister has had such success with her coach out in Ontario, I'm inspired to make this happen for me too.
I'll keep you posted! (eventually...) ;)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
The continuity of Life
My brother and sister-in-law are finally the proud parents of a beautiful baby boy.
His name is William Benjamin (we'll call him Benjamin), and he was 6lbs, 9oz, finally born on August 10th. He is beautiful and sweet and has that wonderful new baby aura about him that pulls at your ovaries a little.. He was born by C-section after all other attempts failed, and all are doing well, although definitely sleep deprived. He is a total blessing.
My sister and her husband visited us two weeks ago. Part of that visit was to spread the ashes of their lost child out at the lake, by the family cottage. What a wringer they have been through, physically and emotionally, and how very brave they are.
Our family gathered together at the cottage and shared a wonderful meal. My father spoke of love, loss, the eternal circle of life, and the love of family. After dinner we all went for a walk, then watched from the bluff as Ange and Mike climbed out on the rocks that jut out into the lake. They spent quiet minutes in this place of beauty, and said goodbye to their unborn child, spreading ashes on the lapping waves.
It seemed so fitting, to be in a place where crashing waves and total stillness are both possible, and the coming and going of the tides leave their fingerprints on the world. A place ever-changing, yet solid and steadfast. The perfect place to store a cherished memory. A piece of all of us rests there too.
His name is William Benjamin (we'll call him Benjamin), and he was 6lbs, 9oz, finally born on August 10th. He is beautiful and sweet and has that wonderful new baby aura about him that pulls at your ovaries a little.. He was born by C-section after all other attempts failed, and all are doing well, although definitely sleep deprived. He is a total blessing.
My sister and her husband visited us two weeks ago. Part of that visit was to spread the ashes of their lost child out at the lake, by the family cottage. What a wringer they have been through, physically and emotionally, and how very brave they are.
Our family gathered together at the cottage and shared a wonderful meal. My father spoke of love, loss, the eternal circle of life, and the love of family. After dinner we all went for a walk, then watched from the bluff as Ange and Mike climbed out on the rocks that jut out into the lake. They spent quiet minutes in this place of beauty, and said goodbye to their unborn child, spreading ashes on the lapping waves.
It seemed so fitting, to be in a place where crashing waves and total stillness are both possible, and the coming and going of the tides leave their fingerprints on the world. A place ever-changing, yet solid and steadfast. The perfect place to store a cherished memory. A piece of all of us rests there too.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Anticipation and Devastation
The anticipation: My brother and his wife, Nem, have been counting down the months, weeks and days to the arrival of their first child together. This week, the doctor decided that Nem's blood pressure was too high, stuck her in the hospital and proceeded to try inducing labour. Now, I've been through a couple of births of my own, and heard many a story from friends, acquaintances, and pretty much any mother I've ever met..(we do love to share that story, don't we!). But Nem is going to have a story to tell that will leave others shaking their heads in disbelief. Today is Saturday, July 31st. Nem was admitted to hospital on Wednesday, July 28th. There is still no baby. They have applied gel, inserted balloons, i.v'd her and poked and prodded until she's turning black and blue, but that baby is not coming. We wait, and wait some more, while she sits, all excitement and anticipation dampened by frustration. My advice was to run out of that hospital and go back after her water broke...not being helpful, I know... Hopefully, by the time I get to my next blog, there will actually be a baby to discuss! My heart goes out to them.
The Devastation:
My beloved baby sister was dealt a devastating blow yesterday, and I still find myself stunned and in tears of disbelief. She had an ultrasound of her 20 week old baby, and they discovered the baby has Spina Bifida. Not knowing much about this issue, I shared her tears on the phone, then hopped on the internet to learn how we can help. I cried for hours as I read stories of the multitude of issues families deal with having children with this disability. So many possible problems, and no real hope for any treatment, certainly no signs of a cure or reparation available. An appointment with a specialist on Tuesday will help determine the severity of the condition, and present her with her 'options', all of which I can only assume, are terrible. In-utero surgery or surgery within 48 hours of birth, which will not do anything to cure or lessen the effects of the disability, rather will only close the hole in the spine. Termination of the pregnancy through something called a D&E, which I will not describe here. The worry, regret, guilt and self-doubt...I can't even begin to scratch the surface. I am saddened beyond words for my sister and her family, and while I hope I can be of some support and assistance, there is not a single thing I can do to change this, and that is heart-breaking.
The Devastation:
My beloved baby sister was dealt a devastating blow yesterday, and I still find myself stunned and in tears of disbelief. She had an ultrasound of her 20 week old baby, and they discovered the baby has Spina Bifida. Not knowing much about this issue, I shared her tears on the phone, then hopped on the internet to learn how we can help. I cried for hours as I read stories of the multitude of issues families deal with having children with this disability. So many possible problems, and no real hope for any treatment, certainly no signs of a cure or reparation available. An appointment with a specialist on Tuesday will help determine the severity of the condition, and present her with her 'options', all of which I can only assume, are terrible. In-utero surgery or surgery within 48 hours of birth, which will not do anything to cure or lessen the effects of the disability, rather will only close the hole in the spine. Termination of the pregnancy through something called a D&E, which I will not describe here. The worry, regret, guilt and self-doubt...I can't even begin to scratch the surface. I am saddened beyond words for my sister and her family, and while I hope I can be of some support and assistance, there is not a single thing I can do to change this, and that is heart-breaking.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Roots
Well, since the title of my blog is based on a tree, it seems fitting I find the roots of that tree to ensure healthy, blossoming growth.
I'm thinking that this search for happiness that I find myself on has taught me something most people learn a lot earlier in life. Happiness comes from within! I've heard it a million times, but haven't really figured out how to internalize the idea. This month I decided to make an effort to do just that.
I started going to church again. Two weeks in and my kids love their sunday school, and I am reconnecting with a core part of my childhood years and the fundamentals that helped shape who I am. While I do recall complaining extensively about having to go to church when I was in my pre-teen and teen years, I still remember loving the early years, and all the friends I made.
I also have very strong ties to the people and memories from TEC (Teens Encounter Christ), which I attended at 16 years old and worked with for 4-5 years after that. Many of the people I met at TEC are still connected to me, and I can't discount the faith that carried us on that journey together.
Part of finding a way to grow happiness from within is finding a safe haven inside myself where I can inspect my spiritual and emotional needs. I don't need 'stuff' to be happy, that is more my husband's thing that I have adopted over the years...I need validation, self-confidence and a higher power to lean on when I feel like it's all crashing down around me.
The motivation to change all the things that need to change in my life, to make me a happier person, must come from me, and I can't always be self-motivating, so I will try to trust God to give me the right people and the right situations to bring that about.
I went to a seminar last week where a woman talked to us about listening. She conducted a 4-year experiment where she started a new job and just tried to be a listener all the time. She was the most popular person in the office. When she left the job there were 4 different going away parties held for her. Her co-workers all got together and bought $1000.00 worth of gift cards for the spa.
Turns out, this woman hates going to the spa and gave all the gift cards away!
What's the lesson here? For me, the lesson is a mix of needing to talk less and listen more, but also the need to find a balance between the two, because I don't want to spend my life surrounded by people who don't know me at all!
The search for joy continues....
I'm thinking that this search for happiness that I find myself on has taught me something most people learn a lot earlier in life. Happiness comes from within! I've heard it a million times, but haven't really figured out how to internalize the idea. This month I decided to make an effort to do just that.
I started going to church again. Two weeks in and my kids love their sunday school, and I am reconnecting with a core part of my childhood years and the fundamentals that helped shape who I am. While I do recall complaining extensively about having to go to church when I was in my pre-teen and teen years, I still remember loving the early years, and all the friends I made.
I also have very strong ties to the people and memories from TEC (Teens Encounter Christ), which I attended at 16 years old and worked with for 4-5 years after that. Many of the people I met at TEC are still connected to me, and I can't discount the faith that carried us on that journey together.
Part of finding a way to grow happiness from within is finding a safe haven inside myself where I can inspect my spiritual and emotional needs. I don't need 'stuff' to be happy, that is more my husband's thing that I have adopted over the years...I need validation, self-confidence and a higher power to lean on when I feel like it's all crashing down around me.
The motivation to change all the things that need to change in my life, to make me a happier person, must come from me, and I can't always be self-motivating, so I will try to trust God to give me the right people and the right situations to bring that about.
I went to a seminar last week where a woman talked to us about listening. She conducted a 4-year experiment where she started a new job and just tried to be a listener all the time. She was the most popular person in the office. When she left the job there were 4 different going away parties held for her. Her co-workers all got together and bought $1000.00 worth of gift cards for the spa.
Turns out, this woman hates going to the spa and gave all the gift cards away!
What's the lesson here? For me, the lesson is a mix of needing to talk less and listen more, but also the need to find a balance between the two, because I don't want to spend my life surrounded by people who don't know me at all!
The search for joy continues....
Friday, March 12, 2010
Re-connecting
It has been quite some time since I looked at my blog, and it seems, also quite some time since I took a positive look at the joys in my life.
So, I'm going to list a few things that I need to take time to recognize more often, so I can look back on my list and remember when I need to most.
Things I love that give me the greatest joy:
My children
My husband
My family
My friends
Things I do that bring me joy:
Singing
Playing with my kids
Working - I have a great new position at work!
Spending time with my friends
Things I need to do for myself to increase my joy:
Get back to running
Date night!
Less time at work
Find a musical outlet that suits me better
Call my friends and make the time to get caught up
Extend myself out of my little circle
Get out of debt
Get back to my health care
Find out about my medical needs - dentist, eye care, physical
All good things.
So, I'm going to list a few things that I need to take time to recognize more often, so I can look back on my list and remember when I need to most.
Things I love that give me the greatest joy:
My children
My husband
My family
My friends
Things I do that bring me joy:
Singing
Playing with my kids
Working - I have a great new position at work!
Spending time with my friends
Things I need to do for myself to increase my joy:
Get back to running
Date night!
Less time at work
Find a musical outlet that suits me better
Call my friends and make the time to get caught up
Extend myself out of my little circle
Get out of debt
Get back to my health care
Find out about my medical needs - dentist, eye care, physical
All good things.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Holiday Treasures
Jacob's first Christmas concert was a wonderful event, even if our seats were on the wrong end of the auditorium. Lesson one, ask your kid where they are going to be standing on the stage during the concert :) He, my little shy guy, was up there singing and dancing and having a great time. It was fabulous and he was so proud of himself.
Christmas was almost defeated by the flu, which went through 7 members of our family between the 19th and 23rd of December. Thankfully, we had a reprieve for a few fun-filled days before my sister was knocked down with it and had to delay her flight home because she couldn't get out of bed.
Regardless, Santa made his scheduled stop at our house and the kids had a blast.
Visiting with cousin, Deacon, was a real treat, and having the whole family with us to celebrate the holidays is a rare occurrence that will be fondly remembered.
Grace is such a caring little girl, she loves to take care of the little ones and had to be reminded regularly that she is not allowed to carry her baby cousin (who weighs more than 20 lbs.), around the house. She compromised by following him everywhere and calling his name like a puppy. Too cute.
So as we gear up for 2010 and get back into the swing of all our activities, jobs, schools et al., I am thankful for a holiday season full of love and family, and treasure the memories that these fleeting moments bring.
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